I want to share this post from my Archives with you. Sometimes I have an epiphany like this only to lose sight of it again later. I wrote this in 2011.
I have always had the ability, as far as I can remember, to see beauty in unlikely places and candidates.But not always in myself.Recently in an effort to combat self diagnosed depression, I have started Running. I actually walk more than I run in all honesty! I run in timed short bursts during my walk, I do it this way as I am seriously unfit and starting from scratch.When I say self diagnosed, that is because I know how it feels, having been medically diagnosed with Depression once before and also additionally having suffered with PND, for which medication was needed. I will be seeing a doctor regarding this shortly. I don’t really want to talk about it all too much here. Each Time I experience it it is a little different but key elements are intrinsically the same. Sometimes I see them creeping into my life and halt it (the depression) in its tracks. This time it seems I just opened my eyes one day with a shocking realisation that I was tightly in its grip. I can’t write about it when I am in its depths and I don’t want to give it a voice when its grip is loosening.Right now I have been on the exercise track for 8 days. Of those 8 days I have gone out 6 mornings. I’m continuing to make progress and improve my physical strength and ability. Though this was not my purpose.On Friday as I got dressed I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror and thought ‘I look pretty’. Nothing was different to the day before or the week before really … oh but wait my eyes had a sparkle, My skin had a … glow? As I ran yesterday I realised that my internal dialogue as I run had changed and instead of having a ‘conversation’ with the depression I was listing the flow on benefits of the running such as drinking more water, having more energy, a better ability to focus on things, healthy skin, clear eyes, stronger mind.I though ‘hey that’s why I felt pretty’Pretty is a state of mind!Its so very simple and obvious but it seemed profound to me in that moment.Stronger mind.
In hindsight I see I was chasing a feeling, not a goal. This is relevant to me in 2017 as I delve into working on core desired Feelings.